I wish I didn't feel this way....
10:38 a.m. | 2004-04-01
I�m starting to think that maybe love is something that has to be worked at to maintain, and not so much something that sticks around because it has nothing better to do�
Tyler and I came THISCLOSE to calling it quits today�
Actually, I came THISCLOSE to calling it quits�
The past still haunts me�
Apparently when everything around me is quiet, my brain decides to make up for the silence and think and over analyze everything�
I guess I feel that if I have a solid belief in something, a solid opinion�then nothing can sway me and that particular thing would bother me anymore�
That doesn�t work as well as I hoped.
Tyler tried to tell me he loved me the other night�
Actually he said, �I�m still in love with you.�
I�m guessing he was referring to the time we were together in high school when a day wouldn�t go by without one of us saying those words to the other�
Nevertheless, I didn�t want to hear it.
So I told him he was stupid.
I told him he was wrong, and that he was mistaken because in reality he had no idea how he really felt.
He just kept saying over and over�
�Stop telling me how I feel�You never let me say how I feel!�
I told him I never wanted to here him say that again�
We both cried, and then he slammed the car door�
Remember THIS entry?
Well my feelings about that haven�t changed.
And now I�m trying to figure out if I can stay with someone who can never love me by my standards�
It�s just hard to believe the things he says because I know he�s said all those things to someone else�
And if he�s said these things to someone else, and if he�s supposedly felt this way about someone else, then what makes it special, significant, or hold any meaning when it comes to me�
What I hear in my head is�
�I used to love her, but now I love you.�
So in actuality, that means, �I love you now, but tomorrow I might love someone else.�
There is no security.
No way to know that he could just one day stop feeling this way and leave me again�
I feel nothing when he says it�
It means nothing to me when he tells me he loves me�
That hurts him�
But I just don�t know what to do about it.
I still get angry with him and I hate it�
I get angry for the way we ended in high school, and the way he moved on so fast�
He has nothing to say about that, except for� �I�m sorry.�
I don�t WANT to break up with Tyler�
But I sometimes feel that I HAVE to�
I�ve mentioned breaking up a few times lately�
He doesn�t really give much of a response, so I�m assuming things would probably be okay if it happened.
I mean c�mon�
According to the past, I�m pretty easy to get over anyway�