My "How To" Essay on Dating
|
So, You Suck at Dating?
I, like most people, used to think that getting ready for a date was no big deal. This however, isn�t the case at all. Everything you do in preparation for a date is crucial. From what you wear to what you put in your purse. This is my �How To� guide to going out. Please remember that dating is an important aspect in life. If you want good results, do not skip any of my steps. For instance, if you face is commonly mistaken for the back end of a horse, DO NOT skip my makeup step. Etc. With my help and some luck, you will be a dating queen in no time�
First thing is first; if you are going out at night and you get home from work at around 5ish, check your answering machine as soon as you walk in the door. Men suck. And most of them have a habit of canceling at the last minute. If this happens, please refer to my �How To� guide intitled, �How to Make Him Regret It.� If he didn�t cancel, thank your lucky stars and head for your closet.
Now, We must find something to wear. While searching through your closet, consider current weather conditions and what you are going to be doing on your date. If you are going to a petting zoo, leave your stiletto heels at home. If it is cold outside, wear a nice turtleneck or sweater instead of your itty-bitty tank top. Cutting glass through your shirt probably shouldn�t be your number one conversation starter. (i.e. this can also double as a conversation stopper if the date starts to go down hill.)
Next, it�s time to shower. This part shouldn�t take too much explanation. If you don�t know how to bath by now you have bigger problems then dating. But just incase, make sure you wash your hair, underarms, crotch etc. Make sure you also shave the certain area�s that should be hairless. Stubble on the legs might keep your socks up in the winter, but giving your date rug burn isn�t exactly asking for a second date. Make sure you also shave your pits, mustache, back, chest, etc.
Drying off will be your next step. Followed by brushing your teeth and gargling with mouthwash. Bad breath can be killer. And explaining that cause of death to the coroner can be rather embarrassing. After this make sure and check your answering machine again. The idiot might have called to cancel while you were in the shower. Not only do guys suck and tend to cancel at the last minute, they always do it while you are away from the phone. If there is still no message, be glad that you are a minority in the dating world and move on to my next step.
Getting dressed takes the longest. And it just happens to be where you are at this point. First put on the outfit you selected before you got in the shower. Stand in front of your mirror and suck in your stomach. Look at yourself from different angles for several minutes and then finally ask your roommate if you look fat. Change your clothes regardless of his/her answer. Repeat this step four times before finally settling for the first outfit you started with. Ah, and now comes my favorite step, makeup.
Now, this step will either make you or break you. Start by tweezing your eyebrows, or eyebrow, in some cases. The caterpillar look is not in. Go for more of the natural, slightly arched at the ends look. But be careful, you don�t want to over tweeze. Guys don�t dig the Whoopi Goldberg look. Follow this by a dusting of face powder or foundation depending on your skin color, ache spots, and skin splotches. We don�t want to look like we are wearing a mask, but we also don�t want him to be playing connect the dots with your zits either. Dust your eyelids lightly with a light color that matches the shirt you are wearing. (i.e. if you are wearing a strange color, use good judgment. Mimi from the Drew Carey show isn�t your inspiration.) Lightly brush your lashes with a thin layer of mascara. Avoid using too much. If your date is arachnophobic, lets try not to scare him off with tarantula eyes. Finish with a light lip-gloss.
After makeup, it�s time for hair. If you usually blow dry your hair, start with doing that. Depending on your hair type, style it to your preference. If you have short hair, try a spiral curl. If you have long hair, leave it down and curl the ends. (This is very effective if you have big ears. You don�t want to leave your hair up, and then accidentally sideswipe your date with you turn your head. ) Also, remember to not over due it with the hairspray and rat comb. The 80�s looks went out with Guns N� Roses.
Shoes are next so make sure they match. Then go find a purse to carry. Basic black usually goes with almost every outfit so that would probably be your best choice. But the color of the purse isn�t as important as it�s contents. Start with the necessities. Makeup compact (for when you get shiny or after dinner when you have to make sure if you got all the spinach out of your teeth.) Lip-gloss, (to reapply) Money/change or ATM card, (just incase he does end up being a jerk and leaves you on the freeway off ramp. You will need money to call a cab. Money might also be needed if he �accidentally� forgets his wallet at home and just �suddenly� notices when the restaurant bill comes.) Then of course your house keys, small brush, breath mints or gum, hair band, pepper spray etc. It isn�t necessary but it helps if you have a cell phone with you. Call a friend before your date and tell him/her to call you on your cell phone in mid-date. That way if the date sucks or he is just too ugly you can fake a quick excuse and get the heck out if there!
Last but not least, sprits on your favorite perfume. Be careful not to overdue it. You don�t want to choke him. Then carefully apply deodorant to your underarms. Make sure you don�t skip this step ahead and do it before you put on your shirt. White residue on your shirt isn�t too appealing.
And VOILA! You are ready for your date! Make sure you take one last look in the mirror to make sure everything is in place. Now all you have to do is wait for your prince charming to arrive. Continue following my simple steps and look forward to many years of wonderful dates. HAPPY DATING!