Today Was A Waste Of Makeup....
11:14 p.m. | 2003-07-30
I hate the way I feel tonight�
I feel like this too often, and it�s starting to take a toll on me.
I drove home tonight with the windows down and even the night air couldn�t keep me from crying and the tears from blurring my vision. The tail lights all seemed to fade together�and for a moment I just felt like driving forever.
Within the span of an hour I learned that I�ll never be good enough for first place�
I miss Aaron tonight.
I wish I would have just waited a little longer.
And even though Ashley is my best friend, I�ll never get over the jealousy I have towards her.
And after two years, I still can�t get over what I couldn�t hold on to�
I just keep thinking, that maybe if I were a little skinnier�a little more tan�a little less outspoken�a little more reserved�then maybe things would just work out for once�
I remember this one time Brian mentioned to Greg how if I just had a tan I would be pretty�
A tan�
I wasn�t pretty because my skin wasn�t a certain shade�
Every guy at church has had a crush on Ashley at one point or another�
She weighs 111 pounds�
And for some reason losing weight registered in my head as a way to better my situation�
I didn�t eat today.
I�m on Xenodrine.
And at this very moment I weigh less than 130 pounds�
I know that I can easily get down to 119�but I�m going to try and stop at 122�
Elias says I�d be �sexier� if I had my belly button pierced and darker hair. I don�t look exotic enough for his taste�
Brandon once said that if he didn�t have Melanie that I would be his next choice�
The runner up�
Second place�
Next in line�
This is starting to become my life story�
You know, my whole life I was taught that looks don�t matter, and what a person is like on the inside is what counts the most�
Someone lied�