So, this is love....
10:49 p.m. | 2003-10-29
I was trying to keep myself awake. He couldn�t stay the night tonight and I promised I�d make sure he left before it got too late. The rhythm of his heartbeat made me drowsy and he had already fallen asleep leaving me disenchanted and alone with my thoughts.
I felt his body twitch. I lifted my head from his chest to look at him through the darkness. His lips quivered. His arms shook again. I sat up slowly, trying not to wake him. I moved towards the end of the bed and watched him lay there tense and ridged. He began to cry.
Something was inside of him, torturing him, and it crushed me to not be able to take it away. He lifted his arms and clinched his fists and his breath caught short in the tears�
I watched him.
His body shook again as he reached his arms to where I was laying.
He opened his eyes.
His breathing grew heavy and he sighed with relief. He reached for me, but I couldn�t take it.
�I had that dream again.� He whispered.
I knew better than to ask which one, simply because I wasn�t sure if I wanted to know the answer. Too many things raced through my head in those few moments but I knew better than to just avoid the situation, not only for his sake, but also for my own.
�Which one?� I eventually stuttered.
�I was in the hospital again.�
Everything inside me dropped. I couldn�t look at him for fear of letting down my guard long enough to let him see me cry.
I turned my head and gazed out my window. We were both silent for a while, trying to regain ourselves but the silence was broken with his words of justification.
�I still can�t believe I did that to myself.� He muttered. �I hate it.�
My mind automatically began searching for the right words to say, the right Bible verse to recite, the right anything to just make it go away.
�Why haven�t you forgiven yourself?� I asked as assertively as I could without sounding unintentionally insincere or scolding.
It�s funny, you know. I�ve been a Christian for exactly two years yesterday. For two whole years I�ve had God on my side, and I have yet to come to complete terms with the fact that every single thing happens for a reason.
It�s almost unbearable to look him in the eye and tell him that everything that has happened to him is for a greater purpose and a reason beyond our comprehension.
I�ve never wanted to take someone�s place so badly as I do with him. I wish I could just make him understand that he doesn�t have to feel this way. I wish I would have been there for him when this all happened.
Why?
Why wasn�t I?
I blame myself sometimes for the things that happened to him.
I know that it sounds insane, but sometimes I think that if I had done things different in high school and in our relationship, things wouldn�t have ended so badly. He wouldn�t have ended up with her, which in turn would have canceled out any conflict between the two of them, which would have prevented him from going through what he went through�
I blame myself for his scars.
I wasn�t a friend.
He was my best friend for so long, and I threw that all away along with our relationship.
I know for a fact that if I had stayed with him like I should have after high school when he went away, he would not be in this situation right now.
But I had to be selfish.
I had to turn away.
And now he lays shivering and broken from the dreams that haunt him�
I never knew just exactly what love was until Tyler.
I love him.
I would give my life for him if I knew that it would make things okay.
I mean that.
But everything happens for a reason�
For a purpose greater than our own comprehension�
And that will always haunt me�