Tyler has succeeded at being a typical male bastard...
7:49 p.m. | 2003-12-20
I�m writing this as I sit here in the dark, staring at his faded black bandana and sunglasses he left here last evening�
When does it get to the point where enough is enough, and in all of this when will I figure everything out�
I think it�s amazing how it takes someone so long to build up trust in another person. To believe them and take their word for truth in all aspects beyond all reason simply because you have given yourself in trust to them, and how that can all be lost in the few seconds it takes to make the decision to lie.
To evade the truth, when in reality it wouldn�t have made that big of a different anyway�
I hate being lied to.
And within the span of five seconds last night, everything I believe Tyler to be came crashing down on me�
After he and I broke up our senior year of high school, he quickly (a little too quickly might I add) started dating this girl who I will call Jill. Of course her real name isn�t Jill but since the mere sound or sight of her name nauseates me, lets just pretend it is for the sake of my sanity�
For the next two years Tyler and I didn�t see or speak to each other at all, but every once in awhile I would get word through the grapevine of how he was and what he was doing.
Now I know you can�t believe everything you here, but since I didn�t really care for Jill that much and because even after Tyler and I split, I still held him in high regard and would back him on anything that came about, when I heard that Jill was obsessive, possessive, jealous, and an all around head case, I just took it as truth and felt sorry for Tyler for being stupid and leaving me for her.
Then I heard of all the bad things that were happening to him.
Horrible things.
Self inflected things.
Things that depressed me so much just hearing about it that it took me the next few days just to get the strength enough to get out of bed.
All these things I heard about where happening to a guy that at the time I had been in love with for nearly five years�
A love that he never felt for me, but in turn gave to her even as she caused all these horrible things�
Or so I thought�
Thursday night I got off work at 8pm.
When I talked to Tyler before I went in for my shift, he told me he would call me at 8 when I got off and that I could come over to his house and chill because he had the next day off and he was looking to have a few beers�
Sounded like a typical night, so I said okay.
8�o clock came, but a phone call didn�t.
I knew he was hanging out with his friend Justin that day, so I figured that he was still somewhere with Justin and he didn�t realize it was 8 yet, or he was at home asleep�
No biggie.
Tyler is extremely good at calling me when he says he will, so I figured that I�d get a phone call sooner or later�
By 11pm�my head was spinning.
I knew Justin had to be to work at 11pm, so if Tyler was actually out with him; he would be home by now. So with that thought in mind I picked up my phone and called his cell�
No answer.
When his voicemail picked up I did my best to keep my composure and left him a sweet little message�
�You�re a fucking dick.�
I figured that would get my point across fairly well�
35 minutes later he calls back. Half drunk. Driving his dads truck.
I ask where he was going�
�Home.�
�Where are you coming from?�
�Nowhere, just driving around.�
*ding* *ding* *ding*
First sign of horse shit.
I know for a fact Tyler hates driving around with no particular destination especially late at night�
�So what did you do tonight?� I ask.
�Nothing�drank by myself.�
�How come you didn�t call me?� I asked�
�What? You said you were going to call me!�
*ding* *ding* *ding*
Second sign of horse shit.
I NEVER tell ANYONE that I will call them EVER. And I specifically remember Tyler telling me that he would call ME. One of my bad habits that most people tend to hate is the fact that I never pick up a phone. I just prefer people to call me, so I know that I never made that statement�
I knew something was up. And I knew he was hiding something, but I felt in my heart that Tyler would never intentionally lie to me about something so stupid like what he had done all night. So I left it alone�
I like to come to my own conclusions about things.
I rarely ask questions, and most often I get my information by simply observing my surroundings and listening to the people around me�
Tyler has this small whiteboard hanging on the wall of his room.
It�s filled with little messages and pictures that people have written and drawn for him over the course of months and yesterday when I went into his room I noticed something different on his whiteboard�
There were new messages.
New messages from a girl who I shall call Jenna.
Jenna is one of Tyler�s female friends, and one in which he hasn�t hung out with in a while. So I found it a little strange seeing her name magically appearing along with a cute flirtatious message on his board out of nowhere.
I didn�t say a word, because by this point I knew he had lied to me, and I was trying my best to just keep calm in hopes that he would come clean without me having to interrogate him with a knife to his penis�
As we were leaving his house for the mall we walked through the kitchen�
�Look,� he stated. �I just bought this bottle of Rum last night. Look at how much Justin and I drank in one night.�
*ding* *ding* *ding*
Ok�third sign of horse shit.
Tyler told me the night before that he drank alone, and that Justin wasn�t with him.
I continued to keep my mouth shut�
We spent the entire afternoon running errands and he didn�t confess to me once.
Right before he was leaving my house he told me that he was going to be hanging out with Justin all night since I had to work.
�Ok,� I told him. �Be good.�
�Of course!� he said as convincing as he could. �Always.�
I shot him a dirty look.
I was just about at my wits end with him not telling me the truth as to what he actually did the night before and why he never called me and better yet why he felt like he couldn�t tell me.
See the thing is�
I�M NOT HIS GIRLFRIEND!!!
He can do whatever he wants any time he wants and I have no place to tell him not to or be angry with him what the things he chooses to do. I can however be angry with him for lying to me�.
So I get off work at midnight and he calls me with a request for my presence at his house since he was having people over. I said fine, and after I closed the store I moseyed on over to find Tyler, Zach, and Justin drinking in the hot tub while the house was filled with a few of our other friends�
I wasn�t there ten seconds before the truth came out�
As I was chatting with Zach about how he has been lately, I hear Tyler whisper something to Justin�
�Whatever you do Justin, don�t mention last night��
I.Lost.It.
�I heard that!� I screamed. �You bastard, you lied to me! I can�t believe you lied to me Tyler. What the fuck did you do last night! Why did you lie to me!!!?�
By this time my voice had risen to the point where I believe people two blocks down could here my screams and everyone sort of stopped and stared at me.
Tyler stayed quiet.
I didn�t care if I was coming off like a bitch, I was ticked and I wasn�t about to stop just because people were around. The more embarrassment I could pin on Tyler in that moment was my absolute goal.
I wanted everyone there to know he had lied to me and that he was a cocksucker for doing it.
�I was with Justin last night.� He mumbled.
�You said you were alone!� I shot back.
I was at the point of tears.
Not so much because I was hurt, it was more or less tears of anger and frustration.
I�ve tried really hard in these last few months to get back to normal with Tyler. I was trying to regain myself from the two and a half years in which we had nothing between us, not even a friendship. I still battle with the fact that he left me, and I�m still tortured with the fact that we are in deed, �just friends�.
Tyler and I can never be, �Just friends�
And truth is, we aren�t just friends�
Finally he came clean�
�Tracy and Jenna came over last night and Justin was here too. We just hung out and drank a little. Justin jammed a little with my dad on the drums and that�s it. I swear.� He said.
I thought about it. And I knew that it was the truth. Now my problem was why he felt that hanging out with his other female friends was something he needed to hide from me. So I asked him.
�And why couldn�t you tell me the truth. Why couldn�t you just call me at 8 when I got off work and tell me that there was a change in plans and that you wanted to hang out with you other friends for the night?� I screamed. �Why would that have been so hard? I don�t get it Tyler, why did you lie to me?�
�Because I didn�t want to make you mad�� he said quietly.
�Why would I be mad?� I questioned. �I�m not your girlfriend Tyler.�
Things got quiet for a few seconds. Justin and Stephanie tried to carry on their own conversation in hopes of not looking like they were paying too much attention, and Zach just sat there staring at the two of us.
�I don�t care if we aren�t together.� He mumbled. �We act like we are.�
Those words echoed in my brain. Rattling around like beans in a tin can�
We act.
We aren�t together.
But we ACT like we are.
We pretend.
We simulate that of a relationship.
This was the first time he had said anything like this in the presence of other people.
I couldn�t believe it.
Whether intentionally done or not, I�ve always felt that since Tyler and I have been back in each others lives, he�s tried to hide the way we are to people.
Especially certain people.
Like Stacy and Kat for instance.
He will hold my hand and kiss me and hug me in front of his parents and Justin and Zach and Toby and Candice and Travis and my sister and all of our other friends but I�ll be damned if he doesn�t act the complete opposite the second Stacy and Kat are around�and I haven�t a clue why.
The same thing goes for when we are in public.
He will walk two feet in front of me at the mall, sit four feet from me in circular restaurant booths, but I�ll be damned if he doesn�t grab my boobs when no one else is around�
But now he was declaring the fact that we were a pretend couple to everyone around us that night�
And the reason he lied to me was because he thought I would get upset, just like Jill used to do�
Because Jill used to get upset because Tyler had other female friends�
And Jill would demand to know where he was at all times and whom he was with�
Because Jill didn�t trust him�
And for the first time ever, I think I realize why Jill felt the way she did.
She didn�t trust Tyler, because she couldn�t.
Because he was always lying to her�
And I�m starting to think that maybe she acted that way she did because of that�
But the fact that Tyler thinks of me the way he does her sickens me.
I�m not fucking like Jill.
And he doesn�t have to lie to me the way he did her because I don�t get jealous the way she does, and I really don�t give a crap if he has female friends�
It took a few minutes, but we calmed down and sooner or later Justin and Stephanie went inside, and Zach sat half passed out in the other end of the jacuzzi while Tyler leaned over the side, dripping wet and clinging to my waist.
�Look at me.� I told him.
He kept his head down. Hiding his face from me.
�I can�t,� he murmured. �I�m ashamed.�
�Good.� I stated. �You should be.�
Man, if it doesn�t feel good to make your ex-boyfriend feel like crap for lying to ya, I don�t know what does�
But this is where I�m stuck�
If he feels he has to lie to me about something so small and petty, then how do I know he won�t lie to me about something bigger?
And how do I know that everything he�s told me in the past three months isn�t just some bad joke.
How do I know that this lying thing isn�t going to continue?
How can I trust him now?�
He�s called me twice today.
Both times asking if I�m still mad.
Both times I said that I wasn�t so much mad as I was hurt�
I�m just glad he feels like crap about all this�
Maybe if I can keep it going I can get something out of it�
Imagine the possibilities�
*evil laugh*