Trying is the first step towards failure...(Homer said that on the Simpson's last night...)
10:24 p.m. | 2004-01-20
I bit my lip and suffered those years without you by my side.
I asked for you back and God graciously obliged�
It is only now I realize my dues�
A life with someone who cannot love me, too�
****
I wrote that in my sleep the other night. 4am I was finally able to bring myself awake to write it down�
I guess I�m still a little bothered by things�
I guess I just hoped that Tyler would have reacted a little differently towards the last entry when he read it�
I guess I just wanted him to say that I was full of shit and that there is a chance that one day he could love me�
But he didn�t.
He just brushed off the entire subject and continued to talk about the Lacrosse game we were to go watch the next day�
He says I think to deeply about things and I don�t just allow them to happen.
I think he just avoids thinking to save himself the trouble of forming a solid opinion about anything�
Thank you for your notes and guest book signings�
Seems like the overwhelming opinion of most of you is that Tyler can one day love me if he doesn�t already. Well, unless you all can see something I can�t�I�m not quite sure if that�s even a possibility. But thank you.
I don�t have much to say tonight other than I have almost finished redoing my visuals page and it is now up again. Go check it out�
Today I�ve realized that it�s going to be a loooong time before I graduate college because as of right now, I�m never going to pass math.
I�ve been so stressed out lately just thinking about it that I�ve been a complete bitch to Tyler�
I didn�t realize I was taking it out on him so bad until last night when I freaked out on him for falling asleep while I was across the room studying. I don�t know what it was, but I just wanted to be mean to him. So I was�
I woke him up and told him to put his shoes on because I was going to take him home�
�I just want to lay here with you,� he told me. �What is wrong with you tonight?�
�Nothing�s wrong,� I said. �Put your shoes on��
The drive to his house was silent. I didn�t even wait for the passenger side door to shut before I sped off�
I don�t know what is wrong with me, but I have a feeling it�s everything rolled into one.
I�m deathly afraid that Tyler is going to leave me for another girl again.
He swears it�s not going to happen, but he�s said that before.
He says that he�s committed to me, and that he�s �mine� but I guess I just need something solid to stand on before I believe him completely.
We talk about �us� a lot, but we never talk about our relationship in the aspect of what the hell is going on�
The other night we were talking about breakups and how it�s almost inevitable in most relationships. The I went ahead and said something like, �Well, when we break up�� blah blah blah�
He got so upset.
�Why do you think we are going to break up?� he asked.
To be honest, I have no idea. I just know that it�s a possibility. It wasn�t like I was saying we would break up anytime soon, I was just stating that almost everyone breaks up eventually.
I don�t want to break up.
I want to be with Tyler.
But I�m not going to go around with some fairytale idea that this is going to last forever when it reality it might not�
But yea.
School, work, living unloved, the lack of Ashley, and my PMS is probably the cause of my sudden crap fest.
Oh, and speaking of Ashley�.
Ash if you are reading this�
YOU SUCK!!!!
Ugh�
Ok, go look at my visuals page. It�s pretty. And sign my guest book cause I need some lovin�
I�m going to go lay down�