disappointed again...
11:44 a.m. | 2004-05-01

There isn�t much I think I deserve.

I don�t ask him for anything, and I never tell him what to do simply because I want him to be his own person and make his own choices and learn from his own mistakes.

But it just seems that whenever he does make his own choices, he makes the same mistakes�

He hasn�t learned.

He lied to me again yesterday.

It was a small lie, and he could have easily told me the truth but he chose not to�

The lie doesn�t directly affect me, but the outcome of his actions could very possibly get him fired from his job.

He missed work Thursday night and lied to me about it.

He was supposed to be to work at 1am on Thursday but he instead chose to dick around with Sal over at Biola all night and just not go in for his shift.

I had a feeling something was fishy when he showed up at my house on Friday morning with nice clothes on, hungry, not showered, and at a time he would normally be sleeping since he would have worked the night before.

I asked why he wasn�t at home sleeping, and he told me that he had gotten off work early and had just woken up.

LIAR!

Because of his little fiasco, he has been suspended from work, and will probably be fired.

All he can say is how sorry he is.

But sometimes, sorry isn�t enough.

I�m sick of his lies.

I�m so tired of always having to wonder if what he is saying is the truth or just another one of his lies he�s using to sugarcoat.

I don�t deserve much, but I know I don�t deserve being lied to.

I guess I just expect more from him than what he is capable of doing.

He has no passion, or drive, or motivation, or focus, or any goals, and those are all things I desire from him.

He says he wants to be with me, and that he wants to grow up and get married and have kids and all that other crap.

But he does nothing to work towards that.

I just want someone who cares about me so much, and wants to be with me so bad that getting towards that point as fast as he can is his main focus.

Maybe that�s the kind of stuff that only exists in the movies�

When Tyler and I first got back together, my main goal was getting out of college as fast as I could so I could get a career going so we could start our life together�

But slowly, over the last few months, that goal has turn from focusing on us, to just focusing on me�

Now, I just want to get out of college as fast as I can so I can get a career going and start my life, with me.

I still want to be with Tyler, but he�s going to have to start showing me some progression, so responsibility, some kind of something.

He needs to find his backbone.

He says he�s terrified of me leaving him, but if he was so scared he would do everything he could to not mess up.

I�m so disappointed in him.

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This is what he wrote in his diary this morning...

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Surprise, Surprise...

I�ve come to the conclusion that I'm just a piece of shit...

I'm a liar; I lied to everyone who has read my diary...

I never went to work after Denny's the other night and lying about it didn't even help...I even straight out lied to the person that I care more about than anyone...

But how can you lie to people like that? I ask myself...I still have yet to come up with a solid reason but I believe it's the fear of the worse...

I don't know what I would do if I lost Krys and that�s what it looks like I'm getting myself into...

I never meant to hurt her I wanted to give her the world and happiness...I wanted to make her feel beautiful...I wanted to show her that giving it another shot wasn't a bad idea (for those who don't know Krys and I've tried dating 3 times now in a span of 7 years)...

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I believe that I've blown it again...but I don't want to lose her again...

Babe I'm sorry...

I'm outro

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I just don't know what to do anymore...advice is welcome...

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