I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell...
2:10 p.m. | 2004-12-24
My dad is making me make a doctors appointment on Monday.
He wants me psychologically evaluated.
Can�t blame him really, I�ve been considering it myself for years, and I guess today make the decision for me.
I hate my mother.
I mean really. And not in that, �oh-she-made-me-mad-so-I�m-going-to-say-mean-things-and-ignore-her-for-a-few-days��.
I really just hate her.
She�s made my life hell the past 22 years and today I snapped. Everyone tells me just to deal with her obsessive compulsive narcissistic ways, but a person can only do that for so long.
Last night I made Christmas cookies to take over to Tyler�s family�s house. I had them laid out on a platter on the kitchen table ready to go when I went over there later today.
I ran to the store and when I came back, my mother had taken my platter of cookies and shoved them all into the cookie jar, smashing and breaking all of them�
Her excuse?
�I wanted to wash the platter�
Two days ago I told her I was going to make an apple pie for Christmas Eve day�
She went out that night and bought four pies from the grocery store�
Her excuse?
�Get over it�
So I snapped�
She raised her hands to me first�
She came closer and I did the only thing she ever taught me how to do�
I don�t think I would have stopped if my grandmother wouldn�t have stepped in�
Grandma says it�s my fault.
I think she�s full of shit, mainly because she doesn�t live here and has no idea what we go through daily just living with my mother.
I hate her.
I honestly don�t think it would bother me if she died.
And I don�t mean that in a vicious way, I just know that emotionally, it wouldn�t bother me.
My grandparents raised me from the time I was a few months old. I never bonded with my mother. She was a stranger, a really mean heartless stranger.
My dad was my everything.
I�d give my life for my dad and I would give up everything I had to take care of him if I had to�
He doesn�t like my mother either. He�s so miserable here. He buys, pays and takes care of everything we have, and my mother takes it all for granted.
She�s never wanted anything because my dad has always given it to her before she even asked.
Yet she tells him he�s worthless, and won�t even answer the phone when he calls from the train station at night looking for a ride home�
�He can walk� she snuffs�
I told him today that I couldn�t take it anymore and that I was leaving. I was moving out because I couldn�t stand living in the same house with her anymore�
He paused and took a step back�
�I�m so close to losing everything I have,� he said in a low voice. �If you leave, I�ll file for divorce, I�ll sell both houses and the land up in Modesto and it will all be over. Don�t make a stupid mistake, you�ve got it good here, don�t let her ruin everything��
I was crying hysterically, and I finally made the confession that I knew something was wrong with me�
I didn�t tell him that because I was taking the blame for my mother�s behavior, I told him that because of the way I feel day in and day out.
Depressed, suicidal, helpless, worthless, angry�.
I�m always so angry.
I hate getting up in the morning because all I can think about is how bad this day has the potential of turning out.
I snap. I scream. I�m violent. I cry uncontrollably without actually being about to pin point a reason�
I avoid social situations because I don�t like the character of people.
And because I�m not physically or mentally strong enough to actually commit suicide, I pray.
I pray that God would just take me home.
I beg him to please, please not let me wake up the next morning�
But I always do.
And everything starts all over again�