see my scars....
1:00 a.m. | 2003-06-21
I�ve got that feeling again tonight�
Anxious and unsettled and not quite sure why�
I can�t sleep. And the house is so cold�
It�s 11:45pm and my dad still isn�t home from work. He�s got the type of job where he makes his own hours, but he usually doesn�t stay this late.
I woke up my mom a few minutes ago, and asked if he had called.
She just snarled at me, said no, and rolled back over.
It�s amazing to me just how little she cares for him.
I get so tired of trying to explain things to my friends when they come over.
�Why does your dad sit and watch TV in one room, and your mom sit and watch TV in another, when they are both watching the same show?�
You know, I never found that strange until I was 18 and started going to church. That�s when I started visiting my friends houses, and saw that their families didn�t act like mine�
I didn�t know that moms and dads are supposed to sleep in the same room�.
Mine never have�
I recently asked my mother when her wedding anniversary is�
�March? Maybe it�s May. Oh hell who cares.�
Her exact words.
Neither of my parents has ever told me they loved me.
Never.
My father has never hugged me.
We�ve never had a family portrait.
I�ve never even see a picture of the two of them together.
My grandmother cries when she comes and visits�
She says she wishes she understood.
Me too.
I hate my mother.
I blame it all on her.
I�ve never liked her. And I don�t really love her. In fact, I don�t think I�ve ever felt anything towards my mother.
I remember when I was eight years old. I still lived with my grandparents, and my sister and I were already in bed for the night. My mother was over, and I could hear her and my grandmother yelling at each other from the kitchen. I could here my grandmother crying. And she screamed at my mother�
�If you didn�t want Krystle, why did you have Kimberly!!?�
That�s when I knew.
I cried myself to sleep that night.
My mother told me years later, during breakfast at some local coffee shop, that she had never wanted kids but my father did. And in more or less terms, she told me that it was a trade. She wanted security. He wanted children�.
My mother has everything she could possibly want.
My dad has us.
I know my father loves me. He would do anything for my sister and I. But everyone says that he just has a hard time expressing it�
They say it was the WAR.
I say it is because no one has ever loved him�
I think that is why I so desperately want to get married.
I want to love someone.
And be like all my friends from church who have families that care about each other.
I want to have children and tell them everyday that I love them�
I dunno�
It just seems so far off.
I feel like I have all these obstacles and years in my way of ever getting to that point.
It�s 12:22am�
My dad just got home�
I think I�m going to go to sleep now�