maybe...never...sometimes....
9:26 p.m. | 2003-09-07
Why do I feel like everything would be so much better if I were constantly on drugs?
I am so incredibly sick of everything right now�
Why does it always seem like things just keep getting worse. Nothing ever goes right. Not when I need them to at least. I never seem to be able to catch my breath before I�m knocked back down again�
I hate it.
I hate the way I use sarcasm and jokes as a way of hiding everything. Everyone always tells me how funny I am. How my diary is hilarious. How I always have a smartass comment for everything.
Being funny is just so much easier than trying to explain why I can�t stop crying.
No one sees that part of me.
I�m just so unbelievably miserable and I can�t seem to get past it.
The sad part is I know 80% of my problem is men.
The other 20% is all the lies, the secrets, and my faith.
My family keeps too many secrets.
I was 16 when I found out by accident that my mother had been married twice.
I found her old photo album while cleaning out the garage. I recognized the dress she had on in the picture. Her wedding dress. The same dress she gave me to play dress up with when I was little�
I started asking questions�
That�s when I found out that my grandfather wasn�t even my real grandfather.
My grandmother had a thing for sailors�
She married my grandfather while she was pregnant with my mother�
No one told me my aunt was a prostitute.
I didn�t find that out until last Christmas Eve during dinner while my boyfriend (at the time) sat next to me�
And my grandfather was her pimp.
God I�m so white trash.
I have no idea how many true friends I have, if any.
I�m starting to think I make too many rash decisions when considering whom my best friend is, or who my friends are in general.
Stacy has been my friend since we were in seventh grade, but I still can�t bring myself to talk to her about most things. The things that really bother me. The things that I feel she might not know how to react to�
Elias is about the only person in the universe that can make me smile. I would do anything for him, and he knows that. I love him so much. But sometimes I feel uncomfortable talking to him about things that matter. We don�t have a serious friendship, because I don�t think he�s comfortable with the concept of being serious. He�s not someone I could go and spill my guts to if I had a bad day or something was bothering me. He�s just not like that. The second I bring up something serious, he does his best to make it into a joke, or tell me I�m being stupid. But with him is when I feel like I am my complete and honest self. I know I can do anything or say anything and nothing between us would change. I don�t have to hide who I am with him. He knows I�m fucked up. We are just at the same place in our lives. We both have ambitious plans for ourselves, but no motivation to get there. We are both so talented and creative and have so much potential but for some reason we prefer to sit around reading fashion magazines and watching cheesy horror flicks. We both want to be rich and famous and live in Jamaica but are stuck in homes and families we are so incredibly sick of. We both procrastinate tremendously, but he is the only person in my life who refuses to let me live any other way but spontaneous�
Ashley is someone I don�t think I know very well anymore. We have only known each other for two years, but we have both grown and changed so much that I don�t even recognize the girl I met way back that Wednesday night in the gym at church during the boy�s basketball game. We just grew apart, and I guess that isn�t a bad thing, but sometimes I don�t understand the way she thinks. I know she means well, but her actions show otherwise. She�s too quick to judge, and to my best of knowledge has never gave me a sincere compliment in her life. She has a way with letting me know what a horrible person I am and has no problem showing me my own faults. I guess that is what makes a good friend. But frankly, I know what is wrong with me. I just don�t need her to point out the obvious. I got tired of calling her. Got tired of her not having time. It�s not her fault, and I don�t blame her. She has her priorities. I�m just not one of them, and that�s fine with me now�
But it�s not just her. It�s everyone from Church. The strangest phenomenon took place over the summer and they all started dating each other and apparently I was left out of Gods little couple equation.
It went from nightly hangouts with everyone there to couples breaking off and forgetting that there were still a few singles left in our group�
That�s okay too.
Cause I�m not ready for a boyfriend.
I�m not even ready for me yet.
And I�d rather poke my eyes out with a fork than spend time with Ashley and Brian together at the same time�
Brian.
Oh my goodness Brian.
The man who doesn�t understand the concept of communication or what he considers a friend.
Cause I have seriously lost count of the multiple emails he�s sent me telling me how much he misses me and how we just don�t hang out enough.
Well guess what Brian�
It�s your fault.
And we aren�t really friends.
And I�m okay with that too�
Sometimes I miss Aaron.
Sometimes I wish I could erase the last year of my life mainly because it sucked and I accomplished nothing.
I�m going to be 21 in less than three months and that is the scariest thing in the world to me.
I will be an alcoholic.
I�m the type of person who will just sit in their room and drink because they are bored and nothing is on TV�
That scares me.
I don�t want to be alone so much.
I don�t want to be so comfortable with doing everything on my own.
I want to be able to get over things.
I want to be able to stop feeling so much
I just want to stop�