I don't wanna be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately...
11:39 p.m. | 2003-11-12
Tonight I learned that it�s time for me to get used to things not being perfect. I�ve got to get used to things not going according to my plans, schedule, or what�s in my heart�
It took the rain, half a tank of gas, my Gavin DeGraw CD, and another talk with Tyler to figure this all out�
We laid next to each other on his bed while Creed played over his stereo system. I�ve had a lot on my mind these last few weeks, and I guess Tyler can still read me like a book.
I denied there was anything wrong, or that there was something on my mind. He knew better, and he turned from me in aggravation.
�Why do you hide things from me?� He asked in a tone that I knew was going to spark another conversation that would end with tears and new revelations.
There isn�t really anything I�m hiding from him; it�s more or less just things that he doesn�t need to be bothered with knowing.
I didn�t respond to his question, I just kept my eyes fixed on his and repeated everything over and over in my mind hoping that telepathically he would understand things completely without me ever having to say a word�
�I wish I could read your mind,� he mumbled.
God, he knows me.
�What do you always look at me like that?� he asked.
�Like what?�
�Like that. What do you think about when you look at me?�
This is where I almost lost it. How do I respond to something like that? How could I possibly put in to words everything that goes through my head when I look at him.
I shrugged my shoulders.
�Please tell me.� He continued. �It would mean a lot to me if you told me, please.�
He caressed my cheek with his hand and brushed my hair from my face.
I closed my eyes and enjoyed the warmth of his touch.
I don�t want to be angry anymore. And I began to feel it all coming back with a vengeance inside me.
He says that he�s hurt too many people in his life to feel better about himself, so instead of trying to get over it or forgive himself for whatever he thinks he�s done, he just continues to sit in his own filth and dwell on how horrible things are�
I hate that.
Been there. Don�t that. Bought the t-shirt.
I know how it goes and I know what it�s all about and I really don�t have any sympathy for him because he�s doing it all to himself.
I don�t care who he thinks he�s hurt.
I don�t care what horrible things he thinks he has done.
The three most important people in his life have already forgiven him, and I�m just trying to understand why he gives a shit about anyone else.
His mother. His father. God.
No one else matters.
Period.
Everyone gets hurt. Everyone has hurt someone else.
Get the fuck over it.
What good does it do to suffer inside of it when you can easily forgive and forget and move on.
Truth is I don�t care if I�m sounding insensitive. I have authority to speak like this of him because he has hurt me more than anyone else in my life, ever.
I went through hell when he walked away from me and into her arms.
Nothing in my life will ever hurt me worse than that. Nothing will cover up the suicide attempts, the eating disorder, the medication; the trips to the hospital, the ulcers, and the heartbreak of what Tyler left me in when our relationship ended.
Do you think that anything that happened to me concerns him?
Hell no.
Do you think that what he thinks he did to her concerns him?
More than anything else�
But you know what�
I�m over it.
What is done is done and we can�t do a damn thing about it so forget it�
I just don�t get it.
He says that he has lost who he is.
That he doesn�t know who he is anymore because everything has changed and everything is gone.
When he says everything, I have a very hard time assuming he�s not talking about her.
I�m sorry, but it�s a sad day when you can say that you have lost your identity and your entire self because of another person.
I lost him.
But I�d be damned if I didn�t know exactly who I was.
I was broken and bleeding but I still knew what I was all about.
I wouldn�t have it any other way.
All of this ran through my head when he asked what I was thinking�
�I don�t know who I am anymore.� He said.
I was silent for a few minutes and thought back to the Tyler I knew years ago. The Tyler that was on fire and enjoyed life and wasn�t afraid to be himself. The Tyler that knew how to laugh and had confidence in himself and what he wanted. The Tyler that had dreams and drive and passion. The Tyler that didn�t care what people thought about him because in his mind, he was the greatest.
Tyler was the type of person who stood out in a crowd. Everyone knew who he was and if they didn�t, they wanted to. He was admired and looked up to and he was fun to be around�
Sometimes, I think that is why I loved being with him so much. I loved him for him and I didn�t want him to change a thing about himself. I didn�t want to clone him into a male version of me.
�I remember who you are.� I responded. �I remember exactly who you are��
This is when it hit me.
I love him, but he doesn�t even know who he is anymore. So what does that say about me?
Can you really love someone when they aren�t even �them� anymore?
Does it matter that I still see that person deep down inside even if they keep overlooking themselves�
Does this even make any sense?
I feel like my head is exploding right now.
I�m so furious and I feel all this aggression building up.
I want to hit something.
Grrrr�
He says that everything I�ve said to him is easier said than done. That�s it�s easy to say get over it and stop being a depressed lump of crap, but actually doing it is much harder�
No shit.
But it�s gotta be done, and you gotta take steps to get there�
�I�ll go to Church with you next Wednesday.� He told me as I got up to leave. �I got to start somewhere��
God amazes me sometimes�
It was just drizzling outside when he walked me out to my truck. He wrapped his arms around me and I buried my face in his chest.
�Thank you� he whispered.
�I haven�t done anything,� I murmured.
�Yes you have.�
I drove away with tears in my eyes. I�m not sure why I was crying; I just knew that I had to. I wasn�t ready to go home yet, so I just drove.
About a month ago I had so many concerns with myself. Now, everything seems so meaningless and I can�t imagine thinking about anything else right now other than helping Tyler�
What does that say about me?
Tonight I learned that it�s time for me to get used to things not being perfect. I�ve got to get used to things not going according to my plans, schedule, or what�s in my heart�
It took the rain, half a tank of gas, my Gavin DeGraw CD, and another talk with Tyler to figure this all out�